⚓ Sailing Jokes + Submit a Joke
Classic marina humor and sea stories. A new set shuffles in every day.
How do you make a small fortune in sailing?
Start with a large fortune.
What's the definition of a boat?
A hole in the water surrounded by fiberglass into which you pour money.
How do sailors greet each other?
Hey, buoy!
Why don't sailors ever get hungry at sea?
Because they're always surrounded by the sea-soning!
My wife said if I bought one more boat part she'd leave me.
I'm really going to miss her.
What's a sailor's least favorite letter?
D — it turns "anchor" into "anger."
How does a sailor cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
Why did the sailor fail his knot-tying exam?
He couldn't get it together under pressure. His technique really unraveled.
What do sailors use to communicate?
A cell phone, just like everyone else. The flags were getting ridiculous.
I told my crew we needed to reef the main. They just stared at me.
Turned out I'd hired a team of marine biologists.
What do you call a boat that's always on time?
A myth.
What's the difference between a sailor and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
A man tells his friend he got a 40-foot sailboat for free. His friend says, "That's amazing!" The man nods.
"The marina fees, repairs, and chandlery bills only cost me $60,000 the first year."
Why do sailors make excellent poker players?
They're used to holding a bad hand and looking calm about it.
What do you call it when a sailor runs aground for the third time?
A habit. The first time is an accident, the second is coincidence, and the third is seamanship.
How many sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, three to argue about whether the old one was actually broken or just needed cleaning.
My GPS says I'm exactly where I intended to be.
My chart plotter says I'm in a parking lot in Nebraska. Someone is lying.
What's the first thing a sailor says after a long passage?
"The boat needs a few things fixed." Then: "Oh — hi, honey."
Why is anchoring like parking in a city?
You circle forever, find the perfect spot, set the hook, and the guy next to you immediately questions every decision you made.
My boat's engine started on the first try today.
I'm going to have it looked at. Something must be wrong.
What did the ocean say to the sailboat?
Nothing. It just waved.
A sailing instructor asks his student: "What do you do if a squall comes up suddenly?" The student rattles off the textbook answer. The instructor asks, "And if it gets worse?"
The student says, "Call my wife and tell her I love her."
Why did the sailor name his boat "Tax Deduction"?
His accountant told him it would never qualify. He wanted to keep hope alive.
Why don't sailors ever get lost?
They do. They just call it "exploring an alternative route" in the log.
What do you call a sailor who just bought his first boat?
Optimistic. Give it six months.
Why did the sailboat break up with the motorboat?
It said the relationship was going nowhere fast.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it's R, but it's the C.
I asked the rigger how long the new standing rigging would last.
He said, "Longer than your marriage if you keep asking questions like that."
Why was the broom late getting to the marina?
It swept in.
What do you call two sailors arguing about anchoring technique?
A normal Tuesday at any marina happy hour.
My spouse asked why I needed a fourth winch handle.
I explained that three were "lost," one was "borrowed," and the boat just felt lonely without a spare.
Why did the captain bring a pencil aboard?
To draw the curtains before docking in front of an audience.
What's the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?
A fairy tale begins "Once upon a time." A sea story begins "This is no joke."
How do you know your dinghy outboard is having a bad day?
It starts perfectly at the dock and dies the moment you're 200 yards from shore.
Why did the sailor bring string to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house, and he wanted to tie one on.
What do you call a boat owner who actually finishes every item on the to-do list?
Retired. And lying.
Why don't sailboats ever play cards on a long passage?
Too many people standing on the deck — and someone always shuffles off to the head.
A new sailor asks an old salt, "How do I know if I have enough chain out?"
The old salt says, "If you're still wondering, you don't."
What's the most expensive way to find out your bilge pump float switch is stuck?
Leaving the boat on the hard for two weeks during the rainy season.
Why did the sailor refuse to play hide and seek?
Good luck hiding when your boat is the only thing for twenty miles with an AIS transponder screaming your location.
What did the marina attendant say to the sailor who couldn't parallel park his 40-footer?
"Don't worry, everyone's watching — but only because we're hoping for a good story."
Why did the chart plotter and the paper chart get into a fight?
The chart plotter said the island was 200 feet to the left. The paper chart said the island had been there for 10,000 years and wasn't moving for anybody.
How do you turn a sailor into a powerboat owner?
Let him reef in 30 knots of wind and pouring rain just once. Give it time.
What's the sailor's version of "the check is in the mail"?
"We'll be there by sundown" — said at 2pm, about a harbor 40 miles away, against the current.